I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
