my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
