I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
