she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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