Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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