i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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