she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
