____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
