me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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