So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
