I love having hate sex.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
