i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
