This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
