I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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