I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
