I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
