apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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