Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
