I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
