Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
