if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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