Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
