I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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