you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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