you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
