does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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