I wish I could punch you in the face.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
