how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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