I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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