remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
