Where is the hickey?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
