You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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