I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
