the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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