We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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