1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period