Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
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I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
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Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.