sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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