just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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