I CAN MOONWALK!
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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