____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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