You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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