soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
