I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Sorry my hands just texted you
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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