no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
