I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Hippo gnu deer
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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