rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
