i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
