As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
