maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Randomize
