I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
