It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
