just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.