You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Randomize
