so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
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