Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
