wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
