Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
