He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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