The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
