I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
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The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
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He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just want to make out with him forever
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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