im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
