whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
