Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
